These precious bits happened during the last week that we had Quin. We have been living here for 5 months now and perhaps we are indeed beginning to find a peace and flow–we are all certainly working hard at it. I am in such awe of the kids and their efforts!
Clearly June has come and is long gone. It has taken me this long to find my groove and keep it long enough to find my creativity. Turns out moving across the country take much more energy then I anticipated.
Here are some glimpses of our transition experiences. I will return to the more distant past for future posts.
Transition and Finding Our Groove…
I love to be at peace with what is. I am trying. I try to speak less–or to intervene less, and to observe what is. I try to breath more and trust that all will align as it is meant to. But sometimes I fall into the pain and discomfort of parts of blended family life, I stumble and show my will–but then somehow struggle back to breathing. This is a big transition for all of us–we are living in the same town for the first time in 9 years and Quin is spending more time with us than ever before, and now, we have more children. I am learning a lot! I think we all are–all 6 of us.
One thing I didn’t expect when seeing Quin more was that my heart still breaks when he leaves–even though I know we will see him again in a couple of days. It almost feels more painful now because my heart isn’t the only one that aches when he goes. His sisters cry when he leaves and ask each day when he will return…
But its not just the loss and the readjustment of Quin’s comings and goings that I must find peace with. There is also this whole new aspect of our life of having three children in a more regular routine with each other and with me and with Ben. We are all still getting to know each other’s ways. It has been three years since we have had a frequent routine with Quin. And then, Sophie was just two and younger and we didn’t have Mia.
For the last three years our time with Quin has been only during vacation.
So now, we are all getting to know each other again.
I have a lot to learn about the ways of a 12-year-old boy–and about THIS 12-year-old boy. I want him to feel like he has the space to be himself in our house and I want him to have fun here.
My goal is to support my children (including Quin) in learning respectful ways of communicating and creating a safe environment for each of them. Again, I am learning. (And many days I wish these lessons didn’t come at the price of a mistake-usually against one of the kids. But sadly, I am human!).
And then there are days when Sophie torments Quin…or I should say, there is constant misunderstanding.
OK, a moment ago I said we were finding our groove, some days we are much closer to harmony than others. And we are working on finding it with all our might–well, heart(s), really.
Packing, Packing, Packing…..!
I see these interactions as formative in our early relationship. This was the sconed summer that I was with Ben and Quin. I had just graduated from college and massage and polarity therapy training. Ben was working full time so I took care of Quin for three weeks straight before I began my private practice…I didn’t know then that I was searching for a definition of my role in Quin’s life. But during this time in our journey together, he told me over and over that he wanted a similar-to-mother figure in his home with his dad. So this is what our relationship grew from…
And then I started asking myself, is it more important to eat healthy food or feel honored and supported? I started working on supporting him more and valuing his absorption of love over his intake of balanced meals when he was with us. (OK, to be honest I was more conscious of him feeling the love while also offering him healthy choices).
And then a funny thing happened, recently, Quin decided to become a vegetarian and he eats veggies!! My mind is blown over this. He is willing to try new foods and feels connected to the nutritional value of what he puts into his body. It only took
8 years. Aren’t kids just the greatest teachers!?!
So I continue to work on fully learning the lesson of worrying less and having more fun! Thanks, Quin!
This is the first time that I remember feeling anger about being rejected because i wasn’t his mother. Before this day I felt hurt and sad but I remembered that he is a child and his mother will always come first, no matter what. This day, I was tired and took off another day from work to watch him…and I really wanted to have a child of my own and was beginning to feel resentful that his mom got to have Ben’s child when she felt like it but I had to wait and now I was being pushed away by him because I wasn’t his mother!… And the doors in my heart opened.
I began to see how much I felt about our situation, and how much I had been ignoring. All from a little splinter.
This Splinter in his finger pointed out all the splinters in my heart that I had previously covered with sadness, hurt, and masked them deeper with love. But now the pain was letting out my anger. And I had to find away to keep it pointing in the right direction, away from Quin. I had to remember that he is the child and it is never his fault that we adults in his life have to work through our shit to support him!
